I Am No Friend of the Night
by Job Conger
Past the windows, a wall of dark
impenetrable to my imagination;
uninviting: I am not required there.
I will not immerse myself
into the sparkling void
which teases hopes with hints of distant
unknowable life and conviviality.
In lingering memory
I hear the laughter of lovers
toasts to friends, from friends
dining ravenously on feasts
of fellowship and affirmation.
So long ago, there was a party . . . .
there was the sweet sanction
of gluttony, of ardent devotion,
anticipating no tomorrows
and unthreatened by them.
But now, the rude awakening
in solitude:
echoes untouchable,
in the quiet, undemanding
and senseless suffocation
by random consequence.
The filaments of artificial suns
permit illumination within my
introspection’s dark cocoon
from which I seek to rise
long hours hence.
Yet, even through my eyes, closed,
glare the truths in blazing harsh rebuke
for dreams of my own, abandoned,
dreams entrusted faithfully
to me by friends and lovers past denied,
the vengance from intentions
spurned and abaondoned, returned to
haunt my living soul.
I yearn for sleep
until the new dawn comes.
With its radiant gift
I will embrace the obligations of the day:
and I will breathe the fresh infusion
of duty, to life beyond myself
and I will wash away the dust
of darkness, the pointless uselessness
of dim retreat
of consuming my own incapacity
within my electric fortress
of stoic persistence
leading acquiescent me, numb, to bathe
and to emerge the man I want to be
when finally comes, restoring morning light
because, it seems, I am no friend of the night.
– written 10:35, November 15, 2009
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Here is a first draft as I wrote it starting about 9:50 Sunday morning, November 15. Although I know I’ll revise it after I leave it along for a day after publishing it here, the poem is a victory for me, The phrase “I am no friend of the night” was a truth that came to me Saturday night. I was feeling pretty much as described in the poem after enjoying my time at the Illinois State Museum’s Collectors Day when I displayed many old airplane kits from my collection and talked with many good people about aviation history. I even sold a book after the event concluded. I was tired from being on my feet most of the day, so after unloading things and bringing it all into the house and down to the basement, I took a nap. I felt numb the rest of the evening, not wanting to read, build a model airplane, work on a poem, file aviation articles or put the kits I had displayed back where they belonged. There was nothing for me on TV after the 9:00 news on Fox. I piddled in the office, had a snack about midnight, read some of the newest The New Yorker which has a fab article about Pakistan by Seymour Hersch, and couldn’t even finish it. I KNEW I wanted to write a poem about me being “no friend of the night” as I took a final hit of Burgundy and went to bed, but I didn’t even feel I could produce a poem. I changed my mind after awakening at 6 am and with light beginning to come in through the windows I arose and had three hours of productive work int he basement. Then I came upstairs to work in the office. I decided to let the words “come to me” in a poem. I KNEW I had to write a POEM. Otherwise sharing the experience would be as jibber-jabbery as this post poem ramble. I knew a poem would concentrate what I wanted to say, if I just relaxed and wrote the poem.
Live long . . . . . . and proper.