Used to be when “All in the Family” episodes, “The Ed Sullivan Show” and “The Rifleman” starring Chuck Conners were not ALL NEW. Back in those days before Nixon and Regan and ketchup was called a vegetable (was #43 working as a national nutritionist back then? Just wondering.) miyyons (as illegal river swimmers might say) of televisione viewers were happy enough with “new.” We didn’t ask for “all new.” We didn’t know what we were missing. We didn’t even know we could ask for all new. It wasn’t something “The Donna Reed Show” fans even imagined we could have, like civil talk radio on a Springfield station. It was like text messaging and cooking a baked potato in only 12 minutes in something called a microwave oven. We never imagined either could be done, so we didn’t ask for it. Dreams aside, in recent years, the United Snakes of America showed the world just how advanced a nation — which had not been to the moon in decades, who thought Junior Samples (“The numba agin is BR fav fore nan”) was the funniest star of “Heeeeee Haaaaaw” — could be. They gave us ALL NEW.
It happened about the time the same dedicated word crafters gave us “New and IMPROVED” forgetting that if something had been merely improved, it sure as bejeebers was not “new.”
My barber told me how every cell on and in our bodies dies and is replaced about every seven years. This means that if my friend John falls asleep dyring a typical “Illinois Stories,” awakens in seven years and says, “Gee, I feel like a new man!” he probably is. In fact I will go further than that. (I KNOW you can hear this coming. . . . )
He’s ALL NEW!
Something else he probably feels. He probaly feels one hundred and ten percent.
The truth is that no one feels 110%. The tops is always 100%
Except when it’s a picture or a space shuttle rocket motor.
Graphics designer persons primates consider a picture for a poster and reproduce the 10 inch tall picture at 110% so it measures 11 inches tall. If the picture is desired at 50%, it will be five inches tall. When sooming into orbit, the pilot of the Rockwell Space Shuttle initially throttles the entgines at 108%, say. In other words the engine produces eight percent more thrust than it is designted to produce during the rest of its life during the mission. The max power output engaged except during takeoff is considered 100% because that is the top operating parameter during 99% of the flight.. . . . but not during 100% , or 124% of the flight
Six years ago I bought a terrific Sony Mavica digital camera. I love it. I swear by it. People think I;m a terrific photograher, and the Sony does most of the work. Every time I initialize a new mini CD used to hold the pictures, I want to strangle the fellow who wrote the cautionary warning, “AVOID ALL VIBRATION” which appears on the small camera back screen. . He’s probably (or she is probably — almost forgot) is the same perssson who invented ALL NEW! I wondered, when I first saw the warning, what the difference is between AVOID VIBRATION and AVOID ALL VIBRATION. . . . . . . . . . a moment of simulated wondering . . . . . . . . . . . and as I matured, during that simulated wondering, into a wiseacre old philosopher, I have concluded there is no difference. When I avoid vibration, I am doing more than avoiding vibration…..
I am avoiding ALL VIBRATION.
It’s enough to make a writer bable like a baby . .. . . .
as I have for the posting you’ve been kind enough to read.
Thank you truly for reading it. More than that, thank you 110%!
Write long . . . . . and proper.