We legal snitizens of the United Snakes of Amerigoland make some pretty fine cheeses, in case you haven’t noticed a’ready, and it’s high time you started noticing. I’m talking orange cheeses from real pasteurized pastures in Wisconsin and Minnesooota. The new “fashion cheese” making the rounds at Libra Limbaugh effigy dismemberment parties is starting to get under my rind. That cheese is called Brie, and I’m not going to take it any more. And you know something, Pancho? It’s not enough to just leave it alone. Now is the time to reach into your locked box of bedroom toys, remove that multi-tendrilled weapon that looks like a horse tail on a stick and flog Brie Springfield!
What’s with a white cheese anyway? I’ll tell you where to get your white cheese: goats and Greeks, that’s where. Real cheese, orange cheese, comes from American bovines. Yes, Brie is a cow cheese, but it’s white and almost gooey; not substantial enough to deflect a .45 calbre faux pax and robust like a sharp Cheddar. I’ve seen icing on cupcakes that was more substantial than Brie, and a helivala tastier too!
Wikipedia says “The white mouldy rind is moderately tasteful and edible.” I mean, come ON. Who cares if it’s moderately tasteful if your’re going to tell me it’s not edible? Give me Edible first; capische? Then I’ll ponder Moderately Tasteful. D-Con for mice is “moderately tasteful” . . . . once. Who cares about the rind anyway? Who’s going to kiss the garment when the point of it all is what’s inside? Really! They don’t even have to Pasteurise it in most of Europe, so if you must take that limpid fad to the register at the Corkscrew, let Pasteurised (for your protection) American Briedom ring.
As for moi, as they might say in Seine-et-Marne, I’ll take a Cheddar or a Colby any day of the “wik” and a hearty American red to wash it down; perhaps a Cabernet Sauvignon.
And if they catch me going out the door.
I’ll even pay for it!
Live long . . . . and proper.
