1. Relieve yourself in your own bathroom before leaving to visit the fine people who have invited you for dinner. Going to the bathroom during the meal gives everyone a chance to talk about you behind your back, and they may treat you as a stranger when you return to the table.
2. If there are napkins placed by your table setting, remain standing behind your seat until both hosts arrive at the table, and sit down with them; not before.
3. Wait for the lady of the house to pick up a piece of silverware before you even think about digging in. If there is no lady, extend the same courtesy to your host.
4. Do not hold a fork and spoon simultaneously when bringing silverware to your mouth.
5. Don’t talk with your mouth full of food.
6. Take modest portions as the dishes are passed around. You can always ask for more later if there’s any left.
7. Remember nothing in yur nose itches so badly that it must be removed with a favorite finger, toothpick or dining utensil during the meal.
8. Even if you’re eating mashed potatoes, ice cream or jello, pretend to chew. It’s just nice.
9. Unless you know your tongue is going to swell to the point where it seriously impairs your ability to swallow even your own saliva, take at least a small portion of everything that is passed your way. Sharing a meal with people considerate and kind enough to invite you over is no time to behave like a spoiiled five-year-old,
10. Take less dessert than you really want, but always take some. To refuse dessert appears ungracious, and taking less than you really want gives the impression you’re a person of moderation. Even if it’s a false impression, it’s an impression worth making. They will respect you for it.
If you are capable of following these commandments, you may also benefit from
( — The demeanor of the posting shifts precipitously — )
Thomas Friedman. He is the most insightful, sane, columnist and writer about the Arab-Israeli comflict and the world economy. He is a man of peace and pragmatism. Every time I see his syndicated column in the State Jurnal-Register I read every word, sometimes twice. You should too. He writes regularly a column for the New York Times. A trip to the NYT website reveals you can read two or three sentences of recent columns and then BUY them if you want to read the complete enchilada. It’s not a rip-off, but a better idea would be to subscribe to the newpaper, in addition to State Journal-Register, Illinois Times and The New Yorker. God knows if I had a job, I sherez L would. I have added a link to Friedman’s own web site at my Blogroll to the right (no pun intended) of this text.
Last but soitanly not least, I’ve added a Blogroll link to my new friend Rober Dugger’s web site. He’s a far more prolific creative writer than moi, and his bio essay about Kurt Vonnegut is definitely worth a look-see. Did you know KV’s mom committed suicide? Bummer, aye?
It’s been a knotty, knutty week at Casa de Lost Gauze. I will “ketch” you up with it this weekend when I’m doing my :”worsh” and letting the scabs heal.
Live long . . . . and proper.
Thank you, Job, for the Dinner Commandments. My own mother and grandmother spent a good many hours preaching to me the proper etiquettes that real society expected from me, like always walking on the street side of a lady to guard her from harms way, removing your hat when entering anyone’s home, the list is nearly endless. And when I did venture out into the world, armed with my Midwestern values, I was horrified to find a world cluttered with mouth smacking, nose picking imbeciles who had no idea that it was rude to pass wind at the supper table. I respect time worn traditions, and it is reassuring to see others preserving them in their children, too.
Also, thank you Job for your kind words about my website and writing, and the link on your Blogroll. See you around the table, someday, perhaps.
Your fan, your friend… Robert Dugger
Thanks for writing, Robert. I had intended to direct these to The Vatican, but since they directed their driving commandments a a world minority: practitioners of their faith I thought I should speak to the whole world, the majority of whom eat. I hope the humor came through.
The post was more about preaching than it was about eating.